TINYS STORY-primate vs canid affection

AFFECTION. The most misunderstood of all interactions with our dogs. Receiving human affection is a learnt thing, not an instinctive understanding for our dogs.

PRIMATE AFFECTION...hugging, face to face contact, sustained eye contact, squeezing, hovering close, patting or stoking the head and body

CANID AFFECTION...relaxed proximity, parallel or side by side orientation, leaning on each other, walking, sniffing or laying together, affiliative grooming, soft averted or blinking eyes

As natural human urge, to feel connected to a dog, we want to give a pat or a hug, with our hand or our arms or even our whole body! Because they are just so cute, right?!?? In our blind admiration of their appeal, people can pat dogs or squeeze them or slap them or ruff them up like they have a right to do so and like no dog could ever have a reason to deny us. We don't do this consciously, of course, but merely without considering that this could possibly be a one sided affair. These loving actions are delivered to the dog with our intention being they feel loved by us. But maybe they are just tolerating it? Because if they don't tolerate it, if they try to communicate a personal space boundary, they can be often shut down with reprimands, instead of heeded. Meaning that responses carrying valuable information such as overstimulation, disengagement or even fear are ignored. This primate interaction style over rides receptivity of the canid nature and we can simply block out information coming from them to us. Not to be confused with conscious efforts to help a dog understand and accept human affection. I'm talking about spontaneous acts of affection.

Most affection I see from human to dog is one way, instigated by the human. The human gives affection and the dog receives joyfully, responds with an alternate suggestion (play with this toy instead) or simply tolerates it. These are the limited choices they have. Before you say "my dog loves my affection, this must be about other peoples dogs" I would like you to take a minute to witness whether or not you actually offer affection to your dog, or do you just give it? Is there a moment you give your dog a chance to say "yes please" or "no thanks" or "lets do this other thing instead"? If your affection isn't an offer, the action isn't receptive to response, this means it is not truly consensual affection. Yikes.

Consensual affection is an act of presence and receptiveness. A dance of offering and responding again and again.

By reading "The Other End of the Leash" by Patricia McConnell, I finally began to understand the effect our instinctual primate bonding was having on our canid companions. Coupled with the knowledge from "Calming Signals" by Turid Rugaas, (both books in my recommended reading section with links to buy) I was able to truly see the difference in dogs tolerating my affection or inviting it. Utilising the philosophies in these books as solid reference points, I also understood why so many people get bitten by their dogs when unconsciously giving non-consensual affection.

Affection toward any living thing should be a very connected experience, from both perspectives! Meaning YOU need to be in a state of receptivity, your dog pretty much lives in this state so he has his side covered. You hold the power here, not the dog. Its a human world this one so rise to the position of power you are in and use it for the greater good by giving and receiving only consensual affection.

It seems perfectly fair and reasonable to me that giving or receiving of affection should always be voluntary (again, not to be confused with the necessary training of a dog to allow us to handle her body for obvious reasons of animal husbandry, where tolerating is necessary learnt skill). It also seems fair to ask that the offers and responses in regard to affection be communicated clearly and politely from both parties.

TINY

When a dog is displaying a behaviour that appears to be inviting affection, take a moment to find out if this is really what they ARE asking. Consult your canid translator NOT your primate interpreter..

A dog rolling over onto its back and showing you its tummy might look like a clear signal to rub said tummy. I mean, without my dog goggles on, it is the equivalent of someone opening their arms for a big hug is it not?? I learnt early on that this particular behaviour can be very misleading. I learnt later that it is one of many, many dog behaviours that are largely misunderstood.

I was raised for the first half of my childhood in the wheatbelt on a farm primarily producing wheat, pigs and sheep. My grandfather, whom I called my Pop, had sheep dogs. One of whose name was Tiny. Tiny was a working dog, a little red cloud kelpie from working stock, who was very good at her job. My Pop was not a cuddly man and kept Tiny for her brilliant herding ability, not for cuddles or pats.

Tiny slept outside all year round, I don't think she ever entered a house.

She spent her days riding the fake lawn square on the back of Pops motorbike, or pounding the ground with her capable paws to work hundreds of sheep. Pushing them into and through runs for draughting, or into the shearing shed, riding their woolly backs from pen to pen, or moving them around the farm from one paddock to the next.

I reckon this is a pretty good life for a dog to be a dog. I believe she was entirely happy with it.

When us kids would say Tiny's name, she would stop and look at us, so we would approach her with our hands out, as most uneducated children do. Tiny would respond by rolling over and showing us her belly. Now, when our family spaniel cross did this same action, a companion dog, raised around children, we would rub her belly and she would wag and roll around on her back happily. We loved this exchange! But when we went to rub Tiny's belly, she would SNAP! Making a loud clacking sound that scared the bejesus out of us kids and then she'd run off looking over her shoulder at us like we had just kicked her. Boy oh boy did that hurt my little 8 year old heart. My love actually offended her! That much I could tell without any education in the matter of canine body language. It certainly didn't help that my Pop would laugh, rather that explain what this weird behaviour meant. He didn't see benefit in figuring it out, his relationship with Tiny was perfect for his needs and Tiny was pretty happy with it too. So from that lesson, we learnt not to touch Tiny, because she didn't let us. I didn't understand why she rolled over so temptingly or what she was trying to say. I desperately wanted to know these things!

When Pop would load us kids and the dogs onto the back of the ute and fang off across the paddocks, I would stand for as long as I could manage, holding the rail behind the cab roof, my hair in awful snarls from the wild wind whipping past me and my knees tired from cornering and bracing over potholes. Exhilarated and exhausted, I would sit cross legged, tucked in the corner, holding onto the metal tray and watching the golden fields whizz by, I was in my element, I felt empowered and peaceful. Noting this energetic shift, the beautiful enigma of Tiny would come and sit IN MY LAP!! I could feel her wiry fur rubbing against my bare legs, I could smell her musty smell, like the shearing shed and rancid fatty bones and I could see the gravel dusting out of her fur as the fast moving air ruffled her coat. Her wiry body curled in my little lap was a perfect fit. She was a clever little red cloud kelpie and I was the happiest girl alive. I was simultaneously terrified and deeply honoured by this spontaneous action. Wanting desperately to tell her how much I loved this connection but knowing that if I utilised my usual modes of childish interspecies communication (pats) she would most likely bite me or get off my lap, both outcomes were just as awful as each other in my mind. So I became completely still and just existed, welling with gratitude and awe. I knew in this moment that she liked me. My hurt heart was healed for now. I'm not sure how many times we did the 'belly rub rejection/ute lap' cycle, but it was enough times to cement into my mind the way of it. Blessings on old Tiny.

I wish everyone could meet a dog like Tiny. Pop had 8 grandkids while Tiny was working for him and she never actually bit any of them. And I know they weren't all as reverent as me. She was a great communicator. Even with us numpties that couldn't speak her language, she still managed to protect her own boundaries and enjoy us regardless.

Tiny was good at stating her boundaries because she was allowed to do so. Pop never shut her communication down or told her off for it. She was clear, if not shocking, and we were safe. Pop trusted her. She wasn't ever conditioned to accept our primate affection, but she valued highly her connection with us. So my offer of affection was clearly rejected, but her counter offer was connection through vicinity, something she was patient enough to wait for perfect timing on. Sharing vicinity without pressure is so incredibly valuable and nourishing for the souls of our dogs and vicariously also our own. Its one of the most loving actions you can offer. If a dog lays down near you, resist the temptation to instantly make a lovely offer of affection as we are learning to do, and just really enjoy the vicinity itself, especially if they have their back to you, what a lovely statement of trust. I wish when I was a tiny thing wanting Tinys love, that someone would have guided me to just sit and be receptive to her, to offer vicinity for connection, to make my lap available without the 'threat' of pats and eye contact. To tell me there was another pathway to the feeling of connection I was seeking with my canine friend. To know that connection was readily available, not just when I was confined to the ute tray with her but whenever she was near. I was too young to figure all this out, looking back now it is clear. I am feeling deep gratitude for the knowledge I have gained and how much richer my life and fuller my heart is knowing how to connect with dogs in ways that fill both our cups.

Blessings on this amazing species,

Amy Hastie